Warning: this post really is #nofilter. You have been warned
We all hear horror stories about childbirth and we all definitely have some of our own. However, extremely honest mum blogger Zoe (The Subtle Mummy) who prides herself on her ‘tell it how it is’ attitude – has provided a #nofilter account of life during and after childbirth.
Worth all the pain though, right mums?
“Have a baby naturally they said... it's life changing they said... Let me tell you something, my first child broke my vagina and you don't want to know what else, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Yup, it's broken and I need a mechanic trained as a gynaecologist to fix it. Heads up to anyone reading this who is male or hasn't had children yet, you may want to continue living in blissful ignorance and stop reading now.
Most people (like myself) think that the pelvic floor is just your ‘love hole’ (honestly that’s the nicest word I could think to call it) and when you see your midwife or OB, if you’re fancy like that, they will run you through the exercises you should be doing to strengthen your pelvic floor. What they don’t tell you is there are three pelvic floors. Your ‘pee hole’, your ‘love hole’ and your ‘exit only hole’ (let’s call it EOH). Thankfully (kinda) my first two were fine after the birth but I had no idea of the surprise that was to come.
Everyone was happily chatting away and I was feeling thirsty so I poured myself a glass of water and slowly raised the glass to my mouth to have a sip. As the glass was nearing my lips, my EOH took it upon itself to start farting! I’m not talking a little brrrrt. I’m talking this fart went for at least five seconds. I want you to count those five seconds out now and realise how long that is.
I had no idea what was happening but was 100% sure it was coming out of me! I was mortified!
I sat there stunned.. didn’t blink an eye… I figured if I didn’t react they may all think it was the bed or something. What did I just do? How did I have no control over it? My heart was in my throat!! I let a few minutes pass and when I was in the clear and no one had reacted, I got up and told everyone I was hot so I was going out into the hall for a minute on my own. Lordy meeeee! Walking down that corridor like someone had shoved a trumpet up my butt let me tell you! I think I almost cried.
Made my way to the midwife and asked her why my EOH was broken and what could I do to fix it.This poor girl was trying, in her best serious face to tell me it was my pelvic floor and it happens when you push a small melon out of you, seeing as you push as though you’re are taking the biggest cr*p of your life."
Luckily, with the help of lots of ‘butt clenches’, Zoe was all back on track down there afterwards.
“Thankfully it can be fixed and it took me many butt clenches to return to my normal self. There are still a few mishaps every now and then, like the time I did one in class and blamed the closest student. I think my words were “he who smelt it, dealt it”. I know right so mature, but if anyone (by anyone I mainly mean my husband) tries to complain about a little flatulence here and there I just threaten to tell them my birth story with all the gory details.
Thanks for reading. I hope you found it very educational. Seriously though, children are such a blessing and what we go through is nothing when you have the cutest little face making you smile every day.”
Can you relate to this story?
Bravo Zoe for sharing the very realistic (and sometimes brutal) results of childbirth.
Mums really are superheros.
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