If you’ve ever been a bridesmaid, you’ll know that they tend to communicate via a whatsapp or Facebook group chat - or, if they’re very old school, email.
Either way, their world is a place of magic, friendship, girl power, deception, and betrayal.
Here are the fifteen women you’ll find within Zone Bridesmaid; do you recognise yourself amongst them?
1) The pusher
She’s the bridesmaid that all other bridesmaids love and fear - because, while she gets s**t done, she attacks all problems with the strength, determination, and flexibility of The Terminator himself.
Think spreadsheets, lists, schedules, time sheets, and INTENSE round-robin emails. She needs your response pretty much ASAP, and she won’t stop hounding you until you reply - but it’ll be worth it in the end.
After all, her hard work means that you, dear lazy bridesmaid, can chill out to the max.
2) The eternal optimist
She’s like something that escaped out of a Hallmark card, full of platitudes and sayings and cute little pick-me-ups when things look rough. Bless her for being a ray of sunshine amongst all those rainclouds.
But, just sometimes, you get the feeling she’s being TOO optimistic; it’s okay to admit that the dress is four sizes too small and slowly strangling you to death, you know!
3) The quizmaster
This one wants to have EVERY LITTLE DETAIL laid out for her - and her questions will range from sensible to utterly, utterly ludicrous, depending on what day it is.
“Who’s coming? Will I be able to wear a bra? What happens if I get my period? Will there be somewhere to plug in my iPhone? Will it be cold? Is this a bit rushed? How tall are YOU though? What if it bites me? But what KIND of pizza?”
And so on and forever, until the end of time.
4) The lurker
You know the one; they’re there, watching all the arguments unfold - you’ve even got the blue ticks to prove it - but they say absolutely zilch. You know why? It’s because they’re waiting for everything to blow over, before swooping in with a breezy ‘sounds good!’ right at the end, when a solution has already been found.
So selfish, so sneaky, so devious - we don't know whether to praise you or scream at you, silent lurkers of the bridesmaid world. Although kudos for living a drama-free life!
5) The very old friend
She's been the bride's friend since school, which means she's her oldest gal pal - and, boy, trust us when we say she won't let you forget it. Similar to a dog peeing everywhere to mark his territory, the conversation will be riddled with unnecessary anecdotes about their childhoods together - and lots of VERY confident statements about what the bride will want.
"When we were teenagers, she always said she'd like..."
You know, that sort of thing. And a bucket-load of inside jokes that, as she rightly points out, "you had to be there to understand".
But, while it may rile you up no end (because, yes, new friends can get competitive with old friends), it's probably a good idea to listen to what she has to say. There's a REASON the bride has loved her for so long, you know - and, if you value the bride's judgement, it means this gal must be pretty damn awesome. Use her experience, learn from what she has to tell you...
... and, you know, blame her if the bride hates everything. It's a win-win situation!
6) The double agent
Oh yeah, we’re deadly serious; someone in your group is leading a secret double life. After all, the bride may seem sweet as pie, but she still needs to have eyes and ears e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e.
So, yes, someone WILL be reporting back to her if you go on a rant about the cost of the hen party, or the colour of the bridesmaid dresses, or, you know, get into a full-scale argument with the maid of honour.
Don’t hate this 007-wannabe; they’re there to protect and to serve (after all, the bride needs to know that everyone is playing nicely with one another)… but they’re also guaranteed to be your downfall if you step outta line.
In short? Trust no one.
7) The wannabe bride
You know the one; she’s got her own Pinterest board for this wedding, not to mention big dreams of a lush bridesmaid dress (in nude or white, despite the bride’s protests), floral crown, and personal makeup artist.
Humour her. It’s the only way, man.
8) The expert bride
Yeah, she’s the friend who got married first - and, as such, she reckons she’s an expert on all things wedding. Expect lots of phrases like, “well, at MY wedding…”, “speaking from experience…”, and “well, I wouldn’t personally, but it’s your choice, I guess.”
Don’t worry, it’s not just you she’s rubbing up the wrong way; we recommend you run interference between her and the bride, before things get seriously outta control.
9) The realist
She’s the one who points out that the online bridesmaid dress store you’re browsing - you know, the one with cheap designer gowns and no listed address, is probably fake. She’s the one who chimes in to let you know that anyone above an E cup will find it basically impossible to wear a strapless dress. She’s the one who points out that £100 per dress is probably too much money. She’s the one who reads the reviews on hen party activity sites and reports back with very strange facts (‘we should probably wear goggles for the assault course, because some people have caught pink eye doing it’).
And she’s the one who sends cold little bullets of information WITHOUT a string of kisses (and what kind of twisted bridesmaid doesn’t end every message with a string of kisses?), killing most group convos stone-cold dead. Don’t take it personally. To her, a sharp business-like approach is her way of being nice.
Plus, while she may seem like a total Debbie Downer, we guess, in her mind, she’s trying to protect you all from fraud / unflattering dresses / bankruptcy / eye infections. That’s worth more than all the xoxo’s in the universe, we say!
10) The perfect one
She’s got some unique skill that sets her aside from all the other bridesmaids; think flower arranging, dressmaking, baking, or something else incredibly useful. The bride will love her forever, for good reason, and all bridesmaids with a competitive streak will harbour a teeny kernel of resentment forever.
It’s hard not being the best, isn’t it?
11) The wannabe
The bride never intended for this one to be in the wedding party, but she completely misread the situation, things got awkward, and she sort of muscled her way in. Nobody quite knows how to broach the subject with her, so it’s a pretty safe bet that she’ll wind up with a dress and a floral headpiece for the big day, whether the bride likes her or not.
12) The wilfully ignorant one
She knows you’re looking for a long strapless (ugh) baby blue gown, but all her suggested links take you to knee-length halter neck dresses… in, yes, a shade of blue - but the wrong shade. She’s either clueless when it comes to dress shopping, or just hoping against hope that the bride might change her mind.
Top tip? The bride will almost never change her mind. Let it go.
13) The totally chill one
We love this girl; she just makes everyone and everything feel so goddamn zen. How does she do it, eh?
14) The clutz
You love her, sure, but she’s an absolute nightmare; she’s the one who lost her phone at the hen party, who forgot to pick up her bridesmaid dress, who spilled foundation all down the bride’s gown, and who, generally, is something of a hazard to all other humans around her.
But, like we say, you love her. So she kind of gets away with being the human equivalent of a hurricane, you know?
15) The family member
Her blood association automatically raises her to a status way above all you other bridesmaids - and, if she’s not maid of honour, there WILL be a power struggle of some kind. Defer to her, respect her, and, for god’s sake, don’t annoy her; she’s basically a god amongst bridesmaids. Treat her as such.
BONUS: The journalist
Sure, she’s a bridesmaid - but she has an ulterior motive; she’s just here gathering information for her next article.
Erm, yeah… sorry about that.
Which one are you most like?
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