It is not the season to be jolly.
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who spend all year waiting for the first Christmas song to come on the radio and squeal with joy when it does, and those who hear the phrase ‘deck the halls’ and immediately want to deck someone in the chops.
If you fall into the latter camp, you’ll know that the enforced jollity of the festive season is a special kind of hell. Here are seven thoughts everyone who hates Christmas will definitely have had.
1. Why so early?
It’s November. All I Want For Christmas Is You just came on the radio. How is that even legal?
2. Cringeworthy Christmas phrases
Around December 12th, “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” becomes the go-to Instagram caption for any photo of a mulled wine in mitten-clad hands, a twinkly Christmas market, or presents piled high under the tree. As much as this unbearably twee phrase makes your skin crawl, it’s nothing compared to "the boy done good" under a picture of a freshly unwrapped handbag.
3. Family politics
If you’re unlucky enough to be a lone Christmas hater in a huge family of Christmas lovers, you have to eventually admit defeat and join in. You know that the world won’t end if everyone isn’t opening their presents at 11am sharp at Aunty Sue’s, but enduring the madness for one day is preferable to the ear-bashing you’d get for skipping it.
4. You envy those who actually do get to skip Christmas
Damn those lucky people who get to skip Christmas - either becasue they're not Christian or just have understanding families who wouldn’t take it as a personal affront if they took themselves on a solo holiday to avoid Christmas. You hate and admire those people in equal meausure. Lucky buggers.
5. “Finished my shopping? I never started it!”
Sure, giving presents is a lovely gesture when you decide to buy a gift for someone you like purely as a nice thing to do, but the obsession with Christmas presents turns people into monsters. You might want to use the phrase “rampant consumerism” a lot, but apparently people find this annoying.
6. Nobody believes you when you say you don’t want any presents
If you want something, you’d rather save up and buy it yourself. You might buy a few token gifts for people you really like, but adults making Christmas lists can, as far as you’re concerned, get in the sea. So it figures you don’t want or expect any gifts. “Not even one?” cries horrified Aunty Sue. No matter how much you insist, you know she’ll get you some bubble bath for the tenth year running.
7. Pyjama time
Providing you don’t have to navigate hundreds of family visits on Christmas Day, there’s only one place you’ll be: in your PJs, on the sofa, watching Netflix because there’s nothing non-Christmassy on TV. It's actually kinda perfect, tbh.