Dear Daisy is our new agony aunt column, where Daisy Buchanan answers all of your big questions, from how to be more assertive to how to move on from sexual assault. Daisy's first job in journalism in her twenties was on the problems page at Bliss Magazine. This week she talks about friends MIAR (missing in a relationship).
Dear Daisy,
My best friend used to be wonderful, the sort of person you could call on for anything and an ever present fixture in my life despite the fact we live in two different cities.
In February he got a new girlfriend and ever since he has been noticeably absent. He texts less, he calls less, he doesn't go to events and, when he does, he sneaks off for hours on end to be with her. I've told him, more than once, that I miss him and that it feels like he's not that bothered about keeping in contact with me these days. Each time I do he tries for a week or so and then goes quiet again. Other friends have said he's like this with them too.
**I'm glad he's happy but I really feel like I'm losing him. What can I do? **
Thanks,
Alis
Dear Alis,
I suspect we all have a friend like this - and at some point, we’ve all been that friend too. Being on the receiving end of it is horrible. For the sake of our sanity, we tend to choose our chums because of the way they make us feel. We don’t just need them to be funny, or good at obscure nineties R&B trivia for specialised pub quiz rounds, or even to have tons in common with them. Most of all we need them to make us feel loved, valued and appreciated. And, as no-one in the world has a tenth of as much time as they need, the hours and minutes we invest in a friendship are incredibly precious. When you’ve been around during their time of need, and they don’t even have the decency to stick around for a twenty minute chat at a party, it’s hard not to feel as though your investment is tanking and you’ve surrendered all of your emotional life savings to a con man.
However, the ERMAHGHERD! LUV! effect is life altering. Love is the drug, or at the very least, a particularly absorbing series of Breaking Bad. If your friend has been with his new girlfriend for less than a year, I’m surprised that you’ve managed to see him or hear from him at all. When one of my best friends met her (now ex) girlfriend, the rest of the people in our group gained close to a stone each because they kept failing to turn up to dinner parties and we ate all of their food. (In fact, they were so cosy in their love bubble that they kept cancelling their own parties at the last minute, once claiming that they both had swine flu.)
‘Bros before hoes’ isn’t just a horrible, offensive expression that is only ever used by boys on Made In Chelsea when they want to go to an orgy. It isn’t even really true. No matter how much we adore our friends, keeping in touch with them, knowing what’s going on in their lives and hanging out with them takes some effort. Staying in your warm house with your warm partner, where you keep your sofa, the telly, gin and the crisps is akin to a religious experience. To be honest I think the only reason that partnered up people ever go outside is the vague knowledge that they might have children and might one day feel that they should take advantage of the fact that they can go to a party without hiring a babysitter.
Your mate is not being a good friend to you right now. You have told him this. He probably agrees. He also has many other friends who feel let down and pissed off. It’s not in your head, you’re not being treated fairly. Sadly, most people are not good at thinking ‘I am being a poor quality pal, and I must put the effort in!’ He will feel wounded, resentful and inclined to spend yet more time on the sofa with his girlfriend. By avoiding you, he doesn’t have to deal with his feelings or take responsibility for the friendship. Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s anything you can do or say to change what’s going on. It’s not that you haven’t come up with a fun enough activity to lure him off the couch. It’s certainly not that you’re any less lovely, and that he doesn’t enjoy hanging out with you. He just has a sort of social STI - New Couple Disease. Imagine he’s exploring the continent of New Girlfriend, possibly off the coast of Sub-Saharan Africa, where the internet is limited, the phone lines are always down and the airports are only open once a fortnight. He doesn’t yet know when he’ll be back. I have always felt selfishly grumpy about it when my BFFs announce ambitious long haul long term travel plans, and the results are similar. I never see them and I might get the occasional Skype - but they’re having a life enhancing adventure and deep down, I can only be excited for them.
Eventually the fog will lift. It might take another few months, but he will come to his senses on his own and think ‘Hold on, I used to have friends! Where did they go? I really should give them a call!’ When that happens, how you behave is up to you. You might think that you don’t want to risk another bad investment, and that you can’t be friends with anyone who is so careless with your feelings. That’s completely fine and understandable. However, you might find that it’s very easy to pick up where you left off and everything is back to normal. I’ve been tempted to do the former, and always ended up choosing the last option as soon as I remember just how much fun my absent friends can be. I’m so sorry that it feels like you’re losing him, but if you don’t mind waiting and having fun with your other friends in the meantime, I’m certain that he’ll come back of his own accord eventually.
Lots of love
Daisy XXX
PS: Incidentally, I don’t think this is what’s happening with your friend, but it’s always worth mentioning - if a friend has a new partner, and you suspect that the new partner is restricting the friend, controlling them and stopping them from seeing old mates, it’s not just a case of new couple-itis, it’s a real cause for concern and might be a sign of an abusive relationship. If you’re worried about a friend, the Citizens Advice Bureau has some more information here.