Aah, visiting the hairdressers – one of the most luxurious experiences in the yearly calendar, with its warm, familiar environment, and its comfortingly aroma of hairdryer and luxury product. Your hairdresser treats you like an old friend because, like your hometown, the hairdressers is a place where everyone knows your name. You’ve been excited for that head massage all week. And catching up on last week’s issue of Grazia, the one you couldn’t find anywhere but TRUST THE TRUSTY HAIRDRESSER TO STILL HAVE IT. You’re invited to place your derriere on the black, leather chair and when seated snuggly, you get pumped up to elevated heights because at the hairdressers it’s all about being lazy. A clean towel is draped over your shoulders, like a regal robe, – most appropriate as you feel rather regal at the minute – and then your hairdresser politely asks you, ‘Would you like something to drink? A cup of tea, perhaps? Some Prosecco?’
DON’T MIND IF I DOOOOOO!!
‘Is that such a good idea?’
You pause, and whip your head up to look at them in the mirror to make sure they’re joking, because obviously, they’re joking. From their face it doesn’t look like they’re joking.
‘How much alcohol have you drunk over the last week?’ They’re staring you straight in the eye now making you feel awkward AF. ‘Realistically? If it’s more than one glass of wine a day, you’ve been drinking too much. My advice would be to stop drinking now – for the rest of the year.’
Umm, ok, well, sorry…
If this sounds like a totally unfeasible scenario – the sort of hairdressing fable you’re likely to hear happening to your best friend’s husband’s cousin’s wife whose hairdresser also mistakenly shaved their head then accidentally chopped their ear off – know that it’s about to become a reality; if you have your hair cut by graduates of Calderdale College in Halifax, West Yorkshire that is.
As The Times reported at the weekend, trainee barbers and beauticians are being coached on the dangers of alcohol consumption. They are then expected to pass on this information to their future (unsuspecting) customers.
Utilising the fact that we in the UK trust our hairdressers more than most professionals – as the 2016 Ipsos MORI Veracity Index revealed, hairdressers are the eighth most trusted professionals, above lawyers, normal people on the street, TV news readers, economists and business leaders – the Calderdale Council’s cabinet member of public health, Faisal Shoukat, told The Times, ‘This training is a novel way of promoting healthy advice and lifestyle tips.
‘Working in the hair and beauty industry, the students would have the opportunity to provide lifestyle advice outside of a clinical setting, hopefully having a positive impact on their clients.’
Well, this is all very noble – and informative. Would many of us benefit from reminders as to the dangerous effects of over-indulgence in the alcohol department? Probably. But do I want to be lectured on this matter by someone who is not medically trained at a time I’m paying a fortune to – for five minutes of the year – sit back and relax? NO THANKS.
The very idea of it is manipulative, sinister and Big Brother to the extreme.
Yes hairdressers are entitled to share their personal opinions – and they do and that’s why they’re the eighth most trusted professionals in Britain. But to train them to sneakily issue warnings and advice, won’t that make them a little untrustworthy? All under the guise of it’s ‘good for the nation’ doesn’t stop it being underhand, does it?
And how will the dialogue start anyway? Will hairdressers look at their customers and assess from their face – or, like, hair? – the likelihood of them being binge-drinkers? And if they find to the affirmative, are they then to attempt to casually work ‘advice’ into conversation?
‘Yeah, I agree Greater Anglia train service IS a bloody nightmare, but do you know what’s also a nightmare? Binge-drinking in the over 30s.’
Or are they being taught to wait for you to mention alcohol first, and then ram the stats down your throat? I don’t think I really talk about alcohol all that much, so it would have to be a pretty obscure link if this is to be their strategy...
Me: ‘I’m so looking forward to Christmas!’
Hairdresser: ‘What exactly are you looking forward to?’
Me: ‘Spending time with my family!’
Hairdresser: ‘And…?’
Me: ‘TURKEY. I love turkey. And potatoes. MINCE PIES. I mean, I could go on…’
Hairdresser: ‘Do! Do go on…’
Me: ‘’Err, well, this may take a while but: Brussels sprouts, bread sauce, chestnuts, beef…’
Hairdresser: ‘Food, I get it, and what else?’
Me: ‘Umm, presents I suppose. But I’m not that fussed about presents.’
Hairdresser: ‘Yes, yes, AND?’
Me: ‘Carols! I love singing carols…’
Hairdresser: ‘AND????”
Me: ‘Friends! Spending time with my friends…’
Hairdresser: ‘YES, AND?????’
Me: ‘Umm, well… drinking Champagne?’
Hairdresser: ‘WRONG ANSWER. Now pay attention whilst I explain, in some detail, exactly why that is wrong, PLAIN WRONG…’
Then, if they’ve suspected I drink more than my recommended number of units per week and have duly given me my lecture in cutting down, will they then put a mark against my name – a note to catch up on my progress at my next hair appointment?
Most worrying of all, isn’t it true that once people feel a little qualified to advise you on one part of your life, they then get a bit carried away and assume they’re qualified to comment on all other parts of it too? A bit like married people giving single people relationship advice, then casually suggesting they go to the gym and take up veganism, will alcohol-advising hairdressers become the marriage counsellors, healthy eating gurus, life coaches and business experts of the future?
And why stop at hairdressers? Why not give taxi drivers this licence too, so they can lecture you in the moment, when you’re merrily en route back from the party. Or, better still, soberly on your way TO it... That way you’ll arrive fully aware of what’s allowed and not allowed when it comes to drinking – one glass only – and if your host dares offer more, perhaps you should share the taxi driver’s advice and lecture them too on the dangers of drinking. Maybe advise they limit their guests to one glass per person, after which they should offer cordial or send them home.
And while you’re at it, those smokers on the balcony… they should probably be expelled from the party altogether. And that overweight guy in the corner, keep the crisps away from him, he should eat just the celery sticks with the half-fat hummus because obesity can lead to heart disease. And that girl on the stairs, she looks a bit tanned from her honeymoon, does she know how bad the sun is for her skin? Maybe she could benefit from a sun-awareness course, you should probably suggest it. And that elderly guy tucking into the salami, does he know the World Health Organisation has classified processed meats as a Group 1 carcinogen meaning there is strong evidence to suggest it causes cancer? You should probably throw the whole plate of it away – and then wrap everyone else in cotton wool just to be safe, lest they make any type of lifestyle choice that isn’t 100% health authority approved…
Yes, I’m being facetious. The consumption of alcohol should come with a warning – and, you know what, it does. Having your haircut and getting covertly lectured on your life by untrained professionals, however, does not.
Perhaps that should too.