Author and columnist Lucy Vine has some advice/strict do-nots for all you helpful relationship people
1. “Oooh, did you get any cards?!”
No, WTF? I didn’t get any cards, I’m not 15. And seriously f**k you and your desk covered in pink crap. Do those flowers really need to be taking up so much space because I can’t even reach my stapler. And did you for reals need to bring that teddy bear into the office to show everyone? Guys, we’ve seen overpriced soft toys before.
2. “You won’t be alone today, will you?”
I am literally here talking to you, so no, I won’t be alone today, thanks for asking. But for the record, being alone is not the terrifying thing you think it is. Do you know how many episodes of Search Party I can watch in a row without being judged when I’m on my own? That’s right, the whole series.
3. “Don’t worry, I bet this is the last Valentine’s Day you’ll have to be single.”
For the love of f**k STOP. I don’t need your awkward faux-pity. How has it never occurred to you that I might like being on my own?
4. “I saw there was a speed dating event on tonight, you should go!”
Firstly, dude, it’s not 2007, so I will never again go speed dating. And secondly, I’m right in the middle of the new series of Crazy Ex Girlfriend because I watched the whole series of Search Party in one evening as previously mentioned. So, no thanks.
5. “You’re so lucky – it’s expensive going out on Valentine’s Day.”
Oh, and having no-one to share my bills and rent is cheap?
6. “My 54-year-old cousin just got divorced, I bet he’s free tonight too – can I set you up?”
Incredibly generous as that is… oh what the hell, sure, set it up.
7. “Today will be tough, but you just need to get back out there.”
Back. Out. Where.
8. “Are you planning a big girls’ night out?!”
I know all relationship people think single girls are literally the cast of Sex and the City, and I hope I’m not ruining your world view here, but we are not. It’s cold outside and all my friends are having babies or planning summer weddings, so no, I won’t be having a girls’ night out. I might just start over with Search Party again because I’m sooo Miranda.
9. “I miss being single.”
You patronising piece of sh*t liar.
10. “No really! I miss being single!!”
Oh. OK, well why aren’t you single then? It’s amazing! You get to be disgusting all the time. You can tweeze ingrown hairs in front of the telly, and eat ice cream for dinner in bed. Your duvet is your duvet and you don’t get woken up at 4am by his awful, wheezy snoring that sounds like he might be dying. You don’t have to spend your Sunday at his awful family’s house because it’s his second cousin’s birthday where you have to make small talk with his racist grandma. You only have to make small talk with your own racist grandma. You don’t ever have to pretend to care about his bad mood and his dumb boss and his dumb difficult journey home. Being single means never having to fake sympathetic faces again. You can just do whatever you want and be whoever you want. You should do it! Come on, let’s text him together right now, I…
11. “This is awkward, I didn’t really mean it. I love my cuddle-bunny Darren too muchy-wuchy. I just felt sorry for you.”
Cool cool. Good luck with that. I hope you’re very happy with Darren and his 11th toe. Does his mum still come over to yours to do his washing every Thursday? Cool cool. Happy Valentine’s Day to you both.
Hot Mess by Lucy Vine is published by Orion, out in July on Amazon.
Follow Lucy on Twitter [@lecv](http://twitter.com/Lecv)*