1. You’ll either wake up or be woken up at the crack of dawn
Because it’s Christmas, and lie-ins are frowned upon.
2. The Michael Bublé album makes an appearance before 9am…
Or Now That’s What I Call Christmas, or Carols From Kings, depending on who has commandeered the CD player.
3. Some form of alcohol will make an appearance before 11
That’s a conservative estimate. Let’s say 10…
4. You’ll have planned your festive viewing schedule beforehand by obsessively circling things in the huge Radio Times
Safe in the knowledge that you’ll never watch the full three hours of Gone With the Wind on Christmas afternoon, because you’ll be drifting in and out of consciousness after dinner.
5. But no one can ever agree on what to watch, so you’ll end up with one of two options
Bond, or an Agatha Christie variant.
6. If you want to provoke some festive debate, you'll suggest putting on the Queen's Speech after lunch
Who knew a fashion-forward 90-year-old could be so divisive?
7. You’ll have to answer the same questions over and over again…
And again. And again.
8. Though anything is preferable to being grilled about your love life (or total lack thereof)
Yes, it is wonderful that Cousin Jean has a very nice boyfriend. Nope, you won’t be meeting ‘someone special’ any time soon.
9. You’ll think you’ve perfected an Oscar-worthy mask of cheerfulness for receiving rubbish gifts
But one of your helpful siblings will out you for your duplicity. Probably in front of the giver of said rubbish gift.
10. You'll end up wearing a dubious item of clothing that you've been given, to make your 'I love it!' act more convincing
(And to ensure that you never have to wear it again, in front of people you aren't related to.)
11. You’re well into your twenties-slash-thirties (delete as appropriate), yet the phone still gets passed around for you to tell absent relatives what you got for Christmas
By the time the day is over, you can rattle off a brief synopsis in an optimum time frame that’s both polite and brisk.
12. You can finally start working your way through all the food that your mum has been stockpiling for the apocalypse – sorry – Christmas day
‘Can we eat this now or is it for Christmas?’
13. Your parents act like cooking a turkey is an advanced military operation
Admittedly, it’s quite a feat, but surely it doesn’t require that level of pre-planning, precision timing and mathematical calculations…
14. You, your siblings and your cousins are all well into your 20s, but you’ll still end up sat at the ‘kid’s table’
Which is tinier, more cramped and just a bit crapper than the ‘grown up’ table.
15. No one will ever eat the Christmas pudding
Because a. you’ve spent the best part of two hours consuming more food than any human should ever consume, and b. no one likes Christmas pudding. No one.
16. You and your siblings will spend hours judging the Christmas celebrations of random acquaintances on Instagram, just because…
The last time you over-analysed something to such a precise degree was during your English Literature A Level.
17. The same goes for the aftermath of all the Christmas Eve proposals
If you’re going to post a ring on Facebook, I’m going to screen-shot it and share it with all my Whatsapp groups.
18. You'll toy with the idea of 'doing a Christmas walk'
Before realising that it's past 3pm, so it's basically pitch black outside. Who needs fresh air?
19. Instead, you'll spend the time debating important topics, like the best Christmas song of all time
'Stay Another Day is not just a Christmas song, it also has unexpected emotional depths!' 'It's not a Christmas song though, is it?'
20. Hundreds of sad, tiny Bounty bars will gather in random locations around the house
No one will eat them; no one will throw them out…
21. And you'll passive-aggressively accuse the nearest family member of stealing 'all the good chocolates'
'I can't believe someone ate all the Malteasers already...'
22. Everyone falls asleep in a post-food stupour
Then wakes up totally disorientated and pining for that massive box of Jacob's Crackers.
23. A festive game of Monopoly will trigger a cataclysmic family row
It’s the dark side of capitalism in microcosm.
24. And someone will get accused of ‘ruining Christmas’
Probably for refusing to wear a hat from a cracker, sticking three hotels on Mayfair, or some other minor misdemeanour.
25. So you swap it for a less contentious choice of family fun, like Articulate
And end up victorious, because you operate on the same precise wavelength of in-jokes as your siblings.
26. You turn on ITV2 and Love Actually will be playing in a constant, never-ending loop
Love Actually actually is all around…
27. Your parents will spend hours consulting the council website in an attempt to decipher when ‘the bin men are coming’
And yet they’ll never get it quite right.
28. You’ll vow that you won’t need to eat for the rest of the festive season (while eating your way through a tin of Celebrations)
Then will wake up ready for round two on Boxing Day…
READ MORE: What To Watch This Christmas: A Guide To The Best Festive TV