First things first, soz if you are chomping away on your Honey Nut Cheerio’s and you have had to see the word ‘bumholes’ in capitals. I appreciate that it is a tad lowbrow, but thats why you love us, eh?
Also, very sorry if your breakfast go-to is a bagel.
Now the apologies are done and dusted, let's get to the BOTTOM of why we are here.
Brian Sloan, who has previously held competitions for the prettiest balls and vagina (not at the same time, but why not) said the reason he decided to host the anus competition came when he could NO LONGER SLEEP AT NIGHT.
‘What keeps me up at night is this question - is there such a thing as a beautiful anus? And what does it look like?'
We agree, the world is definitely missing somethings (note: equal pay across genders and umbrellas that doesn’t disintergrate in to pieces) but is it really missing bumhole beauty competitions?
Imagine naively flicking through the TV Guide, accidentally pressing enter because of chubby. thumbs. and your dear Nanna accidentally walking in and choking on her false teeth. ‘Oh nan, don't fret, that’s just Simon Cowell!’
Tee hee.
But in all seriousness (well 45%, which is a new high for us) at least the contest is all-inclusive.
Sloan said, 'I invite people from all countries of the world, especially those which are not democracies, to experience the unique flavour of our American democratic process by participating in the Anus Contest, which I have constructed to be as much like our presidential election as possible.'
I mean we all have a bumhole, don’t we. And every part of us is beautiful, right? All the snotty, grotty, wobbly, bobbly bits we are encouraged to embrace like the true vikings we are, why leave the poo-hole out? It has a shit time as it is. Don't be mean.
To enter all you have to do is submit a 'crisp clear photo' picture of your bumhole, with 'Autoblow Anus Contest' written on a piece of paper somewhere in shot. People will then rate your pic out of 1 to 10 stars. Kudos to anyone who can do this single-handedly without even their Aunt Lynne's help.
So now you know.
In more normal-ish news this week:
Jemma Lucy had very RUDE things to say about Charlotte Crosby
Ellie Goulding forced to deny she's pregnant with Prince Harry's baby