Unless you’re in some sort of telly-ban January purgatory, you’ll have noticed that Celebrity Big Brother started last night.
The bi-annual parade of has-beens, wannabes and who-even-are-theys got off to a glittering start last night and saw not one, not two but THREE MTV stars step into Britain’s most infamous house.
That’s right, Scott Timlin from Geordie Shore bowled up, bellowing about his “turbo dick”; Megan McKenna from Ex On The Beach 3 and 4 stalked in; and Jeremy McConnell from Beauty School Cop Outs, that we’re convinced only we watched but was both wonderful and awful in equal measure, shimmied through the doors.
So, of course, Gaz from Geordie Shore had words to say about it.
Speaking about his pal Scotty, Gaz predicted that it will go one of three ways for the blond bombshell: “He can bang a bird, which I hope he does, it’ll keep him occupied,”Gaz said. Or..
“He’ll end up smacking someone.
“Or he’ll lose the plot and nash.”
Does anyone know what nash means? Because we have literally no idea.
But we don’t think it’s a good word as Gaz went on to say: “He’ll end up punching Philip Maloney. Is that his name?”
We think he means Christopher Maloney. Who may or may not have the most expensive face in there.
Gaz went onto predict that Scotty would probably go for, in the turbo dick way, Kristina Rhianoff or Megan McKenna, but warned him not to go for ex-Hollyoaks party girl Stephanie Davis, saying: “Don’t go there ‘cos then you’ll be getting my sloppy seconds, kid. Guilty.”
Lovely.
Who are the CBB 2016 housemates then? Here’s everything you need to know:
CBB January 2016 official line-up
1 of 16Gemma Collins
FUN FACT: Gemma once lost three stone in a month by JUST DRINKING JUICE. She must've been absolutely hank marvin.
2 of 16Scotty T
FUN FACT: Geordie Shore's Scotty once got catfished so hard he drove three hours out of his way only to meet a 47-year-old man called Peter. ROFFLE.
3 of 16Danniella Westbrook
FUN FACT: Danni's been touted for CBB for as long as we can remember, most recently last year after she admitted she needed a roof over her head because she'd been made homeless. Crikey.
4 of 16Christopher Maloney
FUN FACT: The ex-X Factor star underwent £60,000 worth of plastic surgery in 2015 after getting sick of Mr Potato Head comparisons. 60,000. Of the Queen's English pounds.
5 of 16Stephanie Davis
FUN FACT: Stephanie was 'let go' from her Hollyoaks contract in July 2015 following claims she'd been drinking on set. However, she's always denied the rumours - maybe CBB will be where she sets the record straight.
6 of 16David Gest
FUN FACT: The ex-husband of Liza Minelli is reportedly trousering a sweet $1 million for this CBB stint. Spend it wisely, eh Dave? Maybe invest in some non-magician clothes.
7 of 16Kristina Rihanoff
FUN FACT: Poor Kristina was given a rough ride by Twitter trolls after the breakdown of her relationship with Joe Calzaghe.
8 of 16Darren Day
FUN FACT: Ol' Dazza once dated actual Isla Fisher. ISLA FISHER. WE KNOW.
9 of 16Nancy Dell'Olio
FUN FACT: Nancy's not just the ex-girlfriend of Sven Goran-Eriksson - she's also a super-smart lawyer lady. Well, she was before all the reality shows.
10 of 16Jonathan Cheban
FUN FACT: Before Kim Kardashian was even a twinkle in Ray J's eye, her now-BFF Jonathan was hanging out with the likes of Posh Spice.
11 of 16Tiffany Pollard
12 of 16Jeremy McConnell
13 of 16Angie Bowie
14 of 16John Partridge
15 of 16Megan McKenna
FUN FACT: Back before the Ex On The Beach saga, Megs actually auditioned for Britain's Got Talent in 2009. And wore a tutu. And it was mega-awkward.
16 of 16Winston McKenzie
FUN FACT: The former UKIP spokesperson dramatically quit the party after claiming he was facing, er, racial discrimination.