Stop all the clocks. Cut off the telephone. Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone. Pack up the sun and get used to the taste of ash in your mouth, because S Club 7 OTP Hannah Spearritt and Paul Cattermole are OVER and we are DONE WITH LOVE.
You read that right, and we're sorry. We're sorry that you'll never again experience the rush of joy on a beautifully crisp winter's day, or the glee in your stomach when you meet a pub dog. That warm flush of happiness when the person you fancy cooks you pasta, or the piercing note of bliss that comes with having an evening to yourself.
Yep. Hannah and Paul have called things off again, and this time it sounds like it's forevs.
A brief hiatus while your reporter slowly takes her S Club posters off the wall and burns them with a single match, maintaining eye contact with the lifeless faces of Hannah and Paul until they curl into nothingness
The Sun reports that Hannah and Paul – and we never got round to giving them a celebrity portmanteau, did we? Never attempted to couple them together as Haul, or Pannah, even though Pannah would've been a really good one. WHY DID WE NEVER DO THIS – have broken up just five months after getting back together around the time of the S Club reunion tour this summer.
"Hannah and Paul had been apart for so many years and their chemistry came straight back on the tour," a source told the newspaper.
"But they both have different lives now and are doing different things. Paul is now in The Rocky Horror Show which is about to go on tour, so they decided mutually that they would go their separate ways."
You… sorry, you've broken up because one of you is off on a tour around the UK and the other one of you – the one who doesn't seem to be doing much right now, tbh – couldn't deal? No. No. That is not good enough. We're 100% feminists over here, but seriously: Hannah couldn't have followed Paul to all the most exciting regional theatres around the UK for a few months? She would've got to see The Rocky Horror Show for free! Night after night! That's relationship goals right there!
Anyway. Love is dead, and we killed it. Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good.
S Club 7's worst outfits EVER
S Club 7's worst outfits EVER
1 of 12Yeeee-nah
What Tina was thinking when she borrowed Bowie's boots and asked for a Victorian toddler's babygro to be custom-made to adult size, we're not quite sure
2 of 12Washerwoman
The main lesson to be learned here is to never put your colours in with your whites. The result = this awful shade
3 of 12Samba slaughter
Part carnival queen, part skater boy. Not really a look we see catching on (note: it didn't)
4 of 12Furry bad
So this is what happens if you mix The Matrix with Cruella DeVil...
5 of 12Fan-tastic
Too busy signing autographs than looking in the mirror to realise half your outfit has been torn off by eager fans
6 of 12A bad sequin-ce
A Strictly pro could jusssst about get away with this. If we were Tina we'd be terrified to move!
7 of 12Taking out the trash
You know the phrase where you say some people look good wearing a bin bag? This is proof it should NEVER be taken literally
8 of 12Seeing stars
What a cracking bod! But no matter how often you work out, there's no excuse for wearing Mystic Meg's drapes
9 of 12Quality Street meets Roses
Poor Jon's trousers have been ripped apart to put that pocket on Jo's top
10 of 12Tiger tiger
Animal prints are always cool in a trashy way. But some of them are just trashy
11 of 12An outfit that stinks
We can't think of anything less appealing than wearing floor-length poo coloured glitter
12 of 12Spacemen (and women)
Bradley had the right idea hiding behind Rachel