TV & Movies

14 things you only know if you are basically Ferne McCann when it comes to love

All or nothing, baby

Ferne McCann has been an utter hero on Channel 4’s Celebs Go Dating. She is the cringy girl's (ME) champ. She goes from 0 to 100 back down to 0 again and is constantly being told to 'tone it down' and that she has 'zero chill'.

Imagine Ferne's emotion is your morning coffee and it's in those flimsy paper cups meaning your latte spills out the edges, all over your hand and doesn't look very, erm, Instagram. That is the kind of girl we are talking about right now.

'Err, heat how do you know me so well? Have you been rifling through my bins or something?'

We say just do you. Be bold. Be proud. Turn up the cringe-o-meter up a notch just for bants. Be a overflowing coffee, at least no one will forget you, even if they are a bit miffed.

Here are the things you only know, if you are Ferne McCann when it comes to lurrrrrveee.

1. You always drunk-text boys you fancy on nights out

Blame the potent mix of jaeger bombs, flashing lights and Pitbull.

2. In fact, you definitely texted a boy you had one coffee date with - ‘I love you’

Then had to leave the club early so you could sob into your pillow as he replied, ‘I love you as a friend.’

3. You are ALWAYS single

But I’m fab? Hello? Why does no one want me?

4. This meme is the story of your life


5. You are very much ALL OR NOTHING

They are either your future husband or they are 077seeyounever863.

6. You look at your date's starsign to see if you’re compatible

and pray to god he’s not a Virgo.

7. You want to see how many children they want before the third date

For compatibility reasons, stop judging.

8. You have been known to swipe left on Tinder when you don’t like their name

Or if they’re blonde. Or they have the same job as you. You want something to talk about?

9. Bridget Jones is your feminist icon

How do we find a lady in her 40’s so bloody relatable? Asking for a friend.

10. Your friends always try and set you up because you are always complaining about being single

AKA they find the sweatiest man in the club and push him into your direction. You have to hide in the loos.

11. You have spent a week with ice cream and watching the lower rungs of Netflix when you were cruelly dumped

You only wore tear-stained jammies with a cocopops stain on the front.

12. Then decided you're a bad boss bitch and you eat boys like that for breakfast.

13. You have a secret Pinterest board full of engagement rings, dresses and holiday homes in Cannes

When you found out people could see what you like on Instagram, it nearly ruined your life.

14. You have had 832039203 terrible dates.

Including ones that talk about their ex girlfriend and suggest you have 'big legs'.


Do you have zero chill when it comes to dating? Is Ferne McCann your spirit animal? Let us know in the comments section on Facebook or tweet us at @Heatworld

Heat magazine cover